Spies, Aliens, and other despicable things
by Blu Wolf 23
Summary: Stealing a celestial body tends to draw a lot of attention, specifically from intergalactic empires. After one such empire decides that humanity is a threat to its own exsistance, they set out for Earth. Now our only hope rests in the hands of the most despicable family in the world...we're doomed.


Chapter 1

The Right Stuff

***SPOILERS FOR DM 2***

Rated T to be on the safe side

2200 hours

Indian Ocean

AVL Essex

Narwhal Class Submersible

Silas Ramsbottom was sitting at his desk, reviewing the latest case files that had come in from around the world. Next to the stack of files was a cup of tea that was about half empty.

Silas signed off on a case file and pushed it to the side with the other reviewed ones. Only a few dozen left. The head of the AVL sighed and reached for his cup of tea when an agent came walking up to his desk, looking quite distressed.

"Um...evening sir...I have some news you might be interested in." The agent told him.

"I'm listening." Silas told him.

"We intercepted a phone call from a Hawaiian Observatory to the Pentagon. Apparently the scientists there think they have found an...anomaly." The agent said sheepishly.

"Define an anomaly Agent Wilson." Ramsbottom instructed.

"Well sir, the objects in question is apparently a geometric shape..." Wilson explained.

"So we're looking at a few asteroids that are apparently shaped like a square of some sort. How is this important to us?" Silas grumbled, growing impatient.

"That's the thing sir, the scientists are insisting these are no asteroids."

"What evidence do they have to support this claim?"

"Asteroids don't move in formation...sir"

Silas' eyes widened.

"Show me."

...

9:00 AM

Untied States of America

Gru's House

Days without a Minion Accident: 2

Gru awoke with a yawn, stretching his arms. Kyle was asleep on the foot of his bed, and his wife Lucy was just beginning to wake up next to him. They had been married a few months now, a Gru had never been happier. His family was now officially whole.

He heard his door creak and he turned to see Edith, Margo and Agnes walking into their room carrying a tray that had two plates of waffles, two glasses of orange juice and a bowl of various fruits. Standing in the doorway behind them was a pair of Minions, one was wearing a chefs hat.

"Looks like you don't have to worry about breakfast." Lucy told her husband as she sat up.

"Good morning!" The girls said cheerfully.

"Good morning girls, what's this?" Gru asked.

"Breakfast in bed, duh!" Edith replied.

"We made it ourselves!" Agnes said proudly.

A string of gibberish came from the Minions standing in the doorway.

"Well we did have some help." Margo explained.

"This looks delicious, thank you so much girls!" Lucy said with a smile.

"Bah!" The Minion in the doorway grumbled, throwing down his chef hat and storming off. His companion followed shortly after, giving Lucy a look that seemed to say:

"Seriously?"

"Oh and uh you too Fred!" Lucy called out.

"GAHHHH!"

"Mom, Fred has one eye. That was Dave, he has two eyes." Agnes chided.

"Oh right, sorry." Lucy replied, still baffled at the fact that her daughters could tell the little yellow guys apart.

"So what are we gonna do today?" Edith asked.

"Hmm well what do you think Lucy?" Gru asked.

"Well perhaps we should discuss it over breakfast." She suggested.

"Good idea." Her husband replied, motioning for the girls to put the tray down on the bed. After carefully doing so, they clambered onto the bed.

"First things first, have you gurls eaten?" Gru asked.

"Yeah, we ate some waffles before we came in here." Margo replied.

"We were the guinea pigs." Agnes added.

"That's the last time I ever eat something you cook." Edith grumbled.

Gru took a bite of his waffles, after some difficulty he swallowed.

"It tastes great!" He told the girls.

"Really?" Margo asked.

"Yeah, seriously?" Edith added.

Gru and Lucy nodded.

"Whew, I thought you guys wouldn't like it." Margo said with a sigh of relief.

"I told you that it would be fine." Agnes told her.

"So back to our plans for the day, any ideas?" Lucy asked.

"They have a new exhibit at the local science museum, Zombie ants!" Edith exclaimed.

"Zombie ants?" Gru asked.

"Yeah, this fungus straps itself to the ants brain and takes over its mind. It's crazy awesome!" Edith explained.

"Okay, Edith suggests Zombie Ants. What about you Margo?" Gru asked.

"Maybe we could go for a hike, go out to one the trails outside of town." She suggested.

"That sounds like fun." Lucy said with a nod.

"Agnes, what do you want to do today?" Edith asked, winking at her sister and mouthing the words:

"Zombie ants."

Instead, she gave her own suggestion.

"How about we go to the Zoo?"

"Yeah!" Her sisters said simultaneously.

"The Zoo is in the center of city park, its beautiful there!" Margo said with a nod.

"The Zoo's insect house is where the museum got the Zombie Ants from, I'm in!" Edith shouted.

"Alright, the bus leaves in one hour. Go get ready!" Gru instructed.

The girls hopped off the bed and ran off to their room.

Gru got up as well, and Lucy followed suit picking up the tray.

"I'll go put these dishes away." She told her husband.

"I'll go see if the family car is ready, otherwise we'll have to take my car." Gru replied, walking out to the garage.

Inside he found two minions doing a walk around of a hideous looking vehicle. It had the blue paint color of Lucy's car, with Gru's black symbol on the hood and doors. It had been assembled with scrap metal, leaving its surface uneven and looking like a quilt of metal. Square pieces welded together in varying sizes.

One minion was in the drivers seat, while the other was standing in front of the vehicle. The minion in the drivers seat turned on the left turn indicator. Outside of the car, the lights went off accordingly.

Then the minion tried to turn on the right turn indicator. Instead, the car alarm went off.

The minion outside the car covered his ears and stomped his foot.

"Gah! Sthap! Sthap!" He shouted.

His friend flipped the switch, but the alarm continued to go off.

The minion outside the car grew agitated, he sulked over to the corner of the garage and picked up a black iron mace. With a frustrated yell he brought the mace down on the hood of the vehicle. The alarm glitches and then fell silent.

The minion in the car hit the switch again, the right turn indicator began to flash.

"Yay!" The two minions cried out, ignoring the large dent in the hood.

"Did you boys get this thing working?" Dr. Nefario asked, walking into the garage.

The minions gave him a thumbs up.

"Good." He said with a nod.

"Doctor, of all the spare vehicles...did you have to go with my mom's minivan?" Gru asked.

"Oh we had others, but these two destroyed them just trying to get them to work properly." The doctor explained.

Gru raised an eyebrow at the minion standing before him. The yellow munchkin kicked the mace at his feet away, chuckling nervously.

"Plus I'm used to designing assault trucks, get away vehicles, not...commuter cars." Nefario added.

"I know, and it means the world to us that you decided to stay." Gru told his friend.

"Of course, besides I like my new job. It's excellent mix of good and evil." The scientist said with a grin.

"Oh yes, anything to report?" Gru asked, his voice dropping to a whisper.

"AVL has been pretty quiet this week, nothing yet." He replied.

"You remember what to do if you detect a dispatch, right?"

Nefario nodded.

"How goes the house hunt?"

Gru rubbed his temples.

"Don't even get me started."

"Gru, have you seen Edith's hat?" Lucy called from inside.

Nefario chuckled.

"You had better get going, I'll talk to you later."

Gru nodded and went back inside.

...

The drive to the Zoo took about an hour due to morning traffic, luckily the minions had prepared the mini van for such a scenario. A video screen hung from the ceiling, allowing the girls to watch a movie, along with headsets for each of them which let Gru and Lucy listen to the radio and converse. In the back of the car was Kyle and two minions, Dave and Kevin. They stared out the windows, admiring the shiny glass structures that made up downtown.

"Gru, can I ask you something?" Lucy asked.

"Absolutely." Her husband replied.

"Why does Edith always wear that beanie of hers?"

Gru blinked a few times before answering.

"I'm honestly not sure, I've never bothered to ask her."

"I mean its gonna be pretty warm today. I don't want her to get too hot wearing that thing." Lucy murmured.

"I'm sure that if it bugs her, she'll take it off. It's probably just apart of her look." Gru assured her.

"Yeah...probably." She replied.

Gru yelped and swerved to avoid a reckless motorcyclist, angrily he rolled down the window and yelled:

"That's how you guy's get hit!"

Lucy chuckled a little.

"What?" Her husband asked.

"One of the worlds greatest villains, reduced to having a fit because of a little road rage." She replied.

"Well did you see that guy?"

She nodded.

"He was driving like a maniac."

"This coming from the guy who used a rocket powered car as a getaway vehicle?" Lucy asked.

"Look at that, we're here!" Gru exclaimed, changing the subject as he hung a left into the parking lot.

After circling the Toucan Lot for several minutes, they found an empty spot and parked. It took them a few minutes to unload, but soon they were off to the Main Gates. Leaving the windows cracked for Kyle who had been left behind to guard the car. Edith found this relatively pointless, stating:

"Only an idiot would steal that thing."

While Gru bought them tickets, Margo and Agnes examined the Zoo Map. Lucy pulled Edith aside.

"Do you think you'll be hot in that hat?" She asked.

"No, I-I'll be fine. It's not all that hot to me anyways. I'm actually feeling a little cold." The little girl replied.

"Cold!? Are you feeling alright?" Lucy asked, her eyes suddenly filled with worry.

"Yeah I'm fine, I'm not like sick or anything." Edith assured her.

Lucy raised an eyebrow as her daughter nervously pulled on the strings of her beanie.

"Are you sure nothing is wrong?"

Edith quickly shook her head.

"You know you can tell me anything right?"

She nodded.

"Alright then, lets get going the others are probably waiting for us."

The two then rejoined with the rest of the group.

The girls quickly pointed out the various exhibits they wanted to see first. Agnes suggested that they go look at the baby elephant, while Margo wanted to check out the aviary where they let you feed the birds with a popsicle stick. Edith, of course, wanted to head to the Bug House.

The Minions, disguised as stereotypical tourists, reminded the girls to put some sunscreen on. Then they took orders from the rest of the group so that they could make a snack bar run. After handing off the camera to Gru, they set off.

Much to Margo's displeasure, the Bug House was the closest to their location. The plan of the day was to gradually make their way around the Zoo, visiting as many exhibits as possible and get out of the city before evening traffic hit.

Inside the Bug House, Edith went around examining each of the insects in their habitats. Margo and Lucy remained in the center of the room, far away from any bugs. Agnes and Gru admired the more tame insects, like the butterflies.

"Oh look at the size of the roach!" Edith exclaimed from the opposite end of the room.

"HSSSSSS"

Margo and Lucy jumped.

"Whoa, awesome!"

Edith then found what she was looking for, the much hyped Zombie Ant.

"Both of you look at this!" She shouted, motioning for her sister and mother to come over.

Both Margo and Lucy walked over, albeit very cautiously.

"It looks like a mushroom is growing out of its brain!"

Her mother and sister nodded, clearly disgusted. Yet, Edith didn't seem to notice.

"I love learning." She sighed.

After leaving the insect house, the path led them through a heavily wooded area where native birds had taken up residence. Flowers were blooming, and it was nice and cool thanks to the shade the trees provided.

Margo asked Gru for the camera and proceeded to take a few pictures.

Up ahead, a stylized sign made of bamboo displayed the word: Asia

"Aw, Edith you should of brought your katana!" Agnes exclaimed.

"Oh yeah, that would of been awesome! Then I could see how much bamboo I could cut in a minute!"

Needless to say, this remark turned a few heads.

The Asia section of the left the girls in awe after coming face to face with two Bengal Tigers, while Great Panda parents and their baby made Agnes ask Gru if he could steal the pandas so she could have them as pets , and the Honey Bear left Edith wondering how much faster she could eat an ice cream cone with a tongue like that.

After passing through Asia, Gru and his family found themselves in the Africa section of the Zoo. Lucy suggested that they let the girls run around and play on the Pachyderm Playground. Her husband approved, realizing that the minions were still probably trying to catch up.

Then there attention was drawn to Margo, who was chasing after her sister.

"Edith come back!"

Gru sprung to his feet.

"What happened?" He asked.

His eldest daughter sighed in frustration.

"She ran off, some kid was making dumb blonde jokes. It hurt her feelings, she's always been self conscious about that." She explained.

Agnes went down the Giraffe slide and noticed that her sister was running off to the restroom.

"I told her to go before we left." She muttered, clearly oblivious to what just happened.

"I'll go talk to her." Gru told Lucy, only for her to grab his arm.

"Unless you want to get beat up by housewives and soccer moms you better let me go in there and talk to her." She chided.

Gru sighed then nodded, sitting back down.

Lucy then set off for the restrooms.

Next to him, the minions had arrived with their food. The little guys looked worn out.

"Thanks Kevin!" Agnes said, grabbing her cinnamon pretzel and taking bite.

The Minion smiled at her but was more concerned with the grumpy looks Gru and Margo. Anxious he asked her what happened.

"That kid hurt Edith's feeling, he yanked her beanie off and stomped all over it. Calling her a dumb blonde for wearing it on a sunny day." He explained.

Kevin scowled then turned to Dave.

"Dave, nulu ka tu Kapow!" He grumbled.

"Ediu?"

Kevin nodded.

Dave scowled as well.

"Kapow!" He agreed.

The two minions advanced on the boy, who was standing atop the jungle gym. Kevin climbed up to confront him while Dave went to retrieve Edith's beanie.

The boy seemed startled by Kevin's angry look.

"Nu, katu ma ediu!" He snarled.

"Speak english you weirdo!"

Kevin charged him, throwing a punch but the boy dodged it and pushed him off the jungle gym. His fall didn't hurt all that much however, considering it was broken by Dave.

The boy must of realized what they were her for and lunged for the beanie, but Kevin stopped him. He jumped onto him and after a brief struggle, put him in a headlock and began giving him a noogie.

"Okatu, okatu!" Kevin demanded.

Dave got on his belly and began counting like a WWE referee.

"Hana!"

"Dul!"

Then the boy managed to break free and the fight continued.

...

Lucy found Edith in the stall at the back of the restroom. She was sitting on the toilet, her face in her hands.

"Edith sweetie, what happened?"

The little girl looked up, her eyes red and full of sadness. It pained Lucy to see her like this, the day had been going so well. She proceeded to tell her what happened, as she went on her eyes began to water.

"Mrs. Hattie was the worst about it, my hair. That's why I wear my beanie...cause of what she said." Edith explained.

Lucy squatted down, running a hand through her daughter's hair.

"I'm listening sweetie."

She took a shaky breath and continued.

"She, Mrs. Hattie, said that my mom must of been more like me. A stupid blonde who got into too much trouble, that's why she gave us up. She...she..."

The little girl had tears streaming down her face.

"She said I was probably gonna end up just like her...alone. Alone forever."

Lucy wrapped her arms around her daughter, rubbing her back and allowing her to cry into her shoulder. Once she quieted down, Lucy began to speak to her,

"That's not true Edith, I love you very much. Your a very smart, very beautiful girl. I mean who else could navigate that ninja course Dr. Nefario built without setting off any of those traps."

Edith sniffled.

"Yeah, I mean Margo couldn't do that and I think she's pretty smart."

"You also learned about those zombie ants before Gru did, and he knows almost everything about crazy weird science." Lucy added.

"True."

"You know, when I was a little girl everyone thought I was weird. When I told them I wanted to by a spy, they thought I would never make it because I wasn't smart enough or strong enough. Look at me now. I'm married to your dad and I get to spend everyday with you, your sisters, Dr. Nefario and all of the minions."

"One big happy family." Edith murmured.

"Yup, and as long as you have us you'll never be alone. I may not have always been your mom, but no matter what you'll always be my daughter."

Edith hugged her tightly.

"Thanks...mom."

Lucy smiled.

She liked the sound of that.

"Now, how about we go outside and see if the minions are back with you nachos."

"Ok." Edith murmured, hopping off the toilet.

As they exited, the little girl asked:

"Where is my beanie anyways?"

...

"GLOOMBA!" Kevin shouted, which mostly like translated to:

"Pile driver!"

The boy groaned as the minion crashed into him from above, forcing him to relinquish Edith's beanie. The boy tried to get up and run away, only to find out that his shoelaces were tied together. Forcing him to crawl, Dave ran forward to kick him in the butt one last time but Kevin restrained him.

The boy had learned his lesson.

Don't mess with this family.

Instead, the shouted insults at him as he crawled back to his parents.

The minions then turned to see Edith standing behind them, her face showing a mixture of satisfaction and contempt.

"What a looser." She grumbled.

Dave dropped to one knee, holding the beanie up to her like he was offering her a crown.

She shook her head.

"No thanks, its a little too warm to wear beanie. Could you guys hold onto it for me?"

The minion nodded, dusting some bark off the hat.

"Thanks!" She told him, running off to play.

The minions then went to eat, realizing how much that fight had taken out of them.

On the bench, Gru put his arm around Lucy.

"I can't believe you were nervous about them."

"I honestly was, I still am. I never thought I was mom material." She told him.

"Remember who your talking to." Gru reminded her.

"Fair point." She replied.

"I think we'll do alright." He assured her, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

Her hand moved to her pocket, feeling the desire to check her phone. Silas hadn't contacted her in weeks. However, the sight of her daughters playing amongst the jungle gym made her dismiss the thought.

Even secret agents deserved a little down time.

A.N- That's chapter one folks! I hope you enjoyed reading this! I saw DM 2 on opening day and decided to take a crack at writing a story for the fandom. I look forward to reading your reviews and answering any questions you might have.

Until next time,

Wolf out!


End file.
